Bent Words

Bent Words

December 31, 2006

That's where we were.

I wonder now, looking back, if that is all I will ever have -- the good memories in the beginning. How those moments glide about so easily and weightlessly, at first, as though they were pieces of perfection blown swiftly in by a delicate wind. But those moments seem to get swallowed up whole by misunderstandings and mistakes, and then we forget why we came together in the first place. Those long kept looks of happiness and wonder replaced by questioning glances in several directions.

You give up taking the time to comprehend and I give up the fight of explaination. We fold each other swiftly in a sea of doubt.

How does it get that way? How does deference turn to self-defense? How do we forget about the things we once loved about each other? And is it just my doom?

That I should sit down, two years and 400 miles away, and still be enchanted by the thought of your smile, seems so unfair for I do not believe you feel the same. But, after all the time two people spend together, why should it be that two people LOSE all the things the began with? How else can two people make it to their 25th Anniversary without those strong holds, lustful eyes and ready conversation? Why should two people simply 'settle' when the world around them never settles down?

The fire eventually dies when it has nothing left to feed upon and so, too, will we. If, anyway.

Sure, it was easy in the beginning. Our irenic attitudes were enough to keep us warm but, when the rain threatened to douse our flames, you sought no shelter and lost that look of wonder. How can anything survive that way? It is work, at some point, it is overcoming trepidation. It is, ultimately, what you make of it.

It seems such a simple concept -- and, to me, it is. You work for money, you work for cleanliness and organization, you work for your travels and you work for peace. You work for a satisfying relationship, for companionship and happiness -- these things cannot just be without any effort. Unaffected and indifferent were never used to define the greater things in life.

If that's where we are or where one of us is, than what is left for the rest of our lives? What substance lies in complacency? And how can we give up what we were when we both agreed it felt like home?

I'm sure I do not know...

Written at 9:38 a.m.