November 13, 2005
They say that about half of all marriages end in divorce. But what about the other half? What are they up to? Why isn't anyone mentioning them? I mean, think about it; fifty percent of all marriages do not end in divorce. That's better odds than you could likely expect with major surgery. That's better than your chances of winning the jackpot in the state lottery. Ever put your business card into that overstuffed fishbowl at your local Subway? Yeah, I'll bet you have better odds at remaining in a happy marriage than you do of winning a Subway office party. I'll bet you...But what about those fifty percent's, anyway?
A photograph of my grandparent's hangs upon my hallway wall. In the photo, this happy couple is holding hands and smiling brightly. That treasured grin upon my Grandfather's face and the love of her family is captured within my Grandmother's eyes. This photo was taken on their 65th wedding anniversary.
Just a few photos down the hall resides a picture of my mother and father. I am poised rather noisily in the middle, sticking out as usual like a sore thumb. I represent the fruit of their perfection from a marriage that has thrived for nearly 30 years. I have seen them at their best (again, that's me) and I have seen them struggle through a myriad of conflicts which nearly begged the very question of divorce. But that's the point. They have always risen victorious through each of their harrowing battles and they have never forgotten to say "I love you" before seeking repose at the end of the day (despite my father's outrageous snoring).
So what is it about these glorious examples of fifty percenter's that sustained a happy union? Well, let me tell you...
Number one: Do not expect to change your partner once you've married. Chances are, if your significant other was once a hopeless, pathetic loser who paid for their Happy Meals with dimes and nickels buried deep within their pockets, they are not going to suddenly acquire the means by which you both might dine at the Ritz Carlton once you've wed.
Number two: Avoid joint checking accounts. I don't care who you are, you should have your own personal account just in case you've made the mistake of marrying the loser above. Besides, if ever you fall into the "glass half empty" portion of all marriages, you'll have a little security blanket.
Number three: Choose to be happy rather than right all the time. Hurling your mother-in-law's china at your spouse's face may make you feel better initially but, in the long run, you don't want to have to explain the broken china to your mate's mum who doesn't charge to watch the kiddies during the Super Bowl.
Now I'm not speaking directly from my own experience here and I must admit that I have not always been the biggest supporter of the old Ball and Chain phase of life, but there is something to be said about a man and woman who can survive together for 65 years in the bonds of marriage, enabling their child to thrive for (thus far) nearly half that time so that that union could eventually be blessed with an artistic soul (such as myself) who might one day carry on the legacy of the other fifty percenters.
And who knows if I'll make it. But then again, who knows if I'll make it through that major surgery? Who knows if I'll win the jackpot which will ensure my parental units that luxury suite at the Pine Oaks Retirement Home? Who knows if I'll be able to afford dinner at the Ritz? All I know is that, within the fifty percent odds of a successful marriage, I will at least be able to relish in the yearly tax breaks one is granted upon tying the knot. So here's to the few, the brave, the happily married couples of the world.