June 06, 2005
He did not wave. He did not nod his head in acknowledgment nor did he flinch a muscle as I sailed on by. The only movement alive was the cigarette smoke which billowed in slow motion from his lips and the gradual motion of his blue eyes as they followed my own. I held onto that stare as long as I possibly could and for as long as my neck allowed before relinquishing my attention. Until he disappeared from view...It was all in a moment and yet, in that small gasp of time, so much emotion was captured. In a flash of folded scenery, I heard his words as he exclaimed how he found tears while thinking of me and listening to Nothing Compares To You. I saw the hand, with cracked and hardened skin, that never failed to leave my knee as we drove a million miles in his truck. I felt the fury of his whole heart while he watched me, with rage, pound the shattered rings of my Acura's windshield and I could smell the whisper of Miller Light upon his breath. It was a flashing glimpse into a past which tossed my insides around with more fury than the world's fastest roller coaster.
How could I contain the immense deluge of thought which circumfrenced my being in such a short stint of time? How could I feign the reality of an entire existence gone? How could I cease every angle of my body from shaking and how in the world was I going to abate the tears? How could I disappear, unaffected and unnoticed, so that the man whose waist my arms were wrapped around would not have to endure such insanity?
How could the brevity of such a moment, a mere glance, affect me so...
I longed to be able to run in the other direction. The other direction of all the life that surrounded me. The other direction of all the confusion that still fondles my thoughts and fences my forward movement. I wanted to escape to anywhere but there, to feel alone and free to burst into the million pieces of scattered emotion that defined that wild and worried moment where his eyes held weight within my own.
I fully realize the impact that must be endured through all of these episodes. I am discomfited and pained by the weight this puts on not only me, but on those who merely wish to share the best of me. I long only to wipe the slate clean and begin all over again with a new day and a new beginning. I want to have every chance to recover and I, more than anyone, wish the snap of fingers could procure such expeditious results.
I just want to stop hurting. I want to stop being reminded of and berated for what I did so wrong. I want everyone to desist in their absolute association of me with him. I want that to end. I want the earnest support of those who claim to hold affection for me or the silence of those who never really gave a damn anyway.
I do not need the harsh pokes in my side or the unforgiving opinion of those who will never take a real moment to understand. I do not need your approval nor the breath of your unaccepting nature. I do not need to be lambasted for decisions of the past and I will not be taken down by your pretentious doubt. You are not the wondrous humanity of my world. You are not the keeper of my convictions and you shall never rule over what truth my heart sees.
Cheer for me, be my guide, take my hand when I am weak, roll my tears upon your finger tips, but do not judge me simply for loving...