February 14, 2005
Ahhhh, Valentine's Day.It's not as though I am wrought with indignation at the sights and smells of colorful bouquets, pink bows mingled with red lace or chocolate candies wrapped in notes of love (shit, I still have half a garbage bag of Halloween candy to stimulate my thighs), it's just that I've never been a big fan of V-Day. Perhaps it's simply because I've been dutifully overlooked by that semi significant other in years passed or maybe it's because, when I have not been involved, I've been saluted with greetings of, "Happy Singles Day!" and "Wanna make 'National Condom Day' a memorable one?" Yeah, thanks for thinking of me. I think.
This year, I've found a whole new reason to feel utterly humiliated, but I really wasn't ready to be derogated by my own family...
"Hi honey! I just wanted you to know that I got you a present for Valentine's Day," squealed my mother in stabbing delight.
"Gee, Mom, ya feeling sorry for me?"
"Nooooooooooooo," she replied in one of those deep throated, drawn out and exaggerated no's, "of course not!"
"Yeah sure. So what is it and does it involve chocolate? 'Cause you know I still have all those Halloween Snickers you gave me since you guys live in the boonies and never, EVER get Trick or Treaters. I mean, you haven't had one Trick or Treater in the 30 years you've lived there," I said, in a feeble attempt to relay my malice.
"No chocolate. Quit trying to be cute. And, by the way, you never know when we will get a Trick or Treater. With my luck, it would be the year that I don't buy any candy. So when are you coming out here to pick up your present?"
As though it weren't enough that I was expected to revel in the fact that only my mother thought of me on the big Love Day, I also had to go physically get the gift.
"Gosh, Mom, ya know I'm a little busy with classes and all. Maybe this weekend?"
This answer was apparently not representative with what she had expected to hear and therefore I had to quickly explain that I would 'try my damnedest' to get out to the lake (which is only an hour's drive away, mind you).
She then relayed her reasoning as to why I had to come out before the weekend:
1. Today is Valentine's Day. Just like December 25th is Christmas, November whatever is Thanksgiving and March 28th is your Birthday (eh hem, ya'll catch that?). So, in her wonderfully twisted little mind, the entire effect of receiving a Valentine's gift on a day that is not concomitant to 'National Condom Day,' cannot hold the same prestige.
2. She did not want for my brother to know that, of her two children, I would be the only recipient of a Valentine's gift. For everyone's inessential information, my brother is happily married with two adorable children. He does not need for my mother to ridicule him with sympathy and pink heart dotted Hallmark cards - he has a designated wife to do all that crap for him.
3. She doesn't want it to be in her presence for a longer period of time than necessary or she might feel pressured to revoke said gift and keep it for her own selfish reasons. I do not understand why she has to always get me gifts that she also has a great affinity with, but this is often the case.
"Mom, could you please just give it to Dad, so you don't hark my present, and I'll get it this weekend?"
"Okay. But you keep in mind that once you get a steady man, there are going to be no more Valentine's Day gifts from me."
Why would I need to feel sorry myself with people like my own mother incorporated into my life?
"And just you keep in mind that I am relinquishing myself from all Mother's Day obligations from here on out," I retorted.
I adore my mother more than any other female residing on this planet, but sometimes she just misses the boat. Today was one of those days...