January 05, 2005
I have this feeling like I should be doing something else. Something like packing or emptying the cat box or rolling around in the snow quickly before I leave...I'm going to New York tomorrow. Alone.
This should not provoke such gigantic feelings of anxiety in me as I have, after all, traveled to Dallas alone and have recently gone to another country, for cyring out loud, but for some reason I am just plain nervous.
I do not bite my finger nails, but I do gnaw on the sides of the tips of my fingers, sometimes until they bleed, when I am really anxious. Gross, I know, but they're my fingers so shove off. Anyhow, it's not easy to type in lieu of this obsession. One word spatters out from one hand on my keyboard and normally I can type like 145 WPM, but now I'm just plain jittery.
I'm waiting for these next 5 - 8 inches of snow to suddenly 'thud' all at once onto the ground before my eyes. I'm waiting to see if my neighbor will unbury my car before he leaves so I can go deposit my checks. I'm waiting for my mind to decide which pair of pants I should toss into my back pack. I'm waiting for Mr. Porter to pick me up and take me back to his place so I can crash on his couch until he takes me to the airport in the morning. I'm a little gooey about doing that, but if I cannot sleep on a friend's couch, I have no business traipsing to New York.
I could not sleep last night. I drifted in and out of conciousness thinking about the Met and seeing the paintings by Vermeer, Monet, Matisse, Cassett and Sargent (though he's American, I like his stuff). I thought about the people that I would be meeting for the first time and that I shall (probably) hope to never lose touch of. I love hanging out with my WI friends and stating,
"Yeah, my friend in New York and I were discussing Arena Hopscotch and how you just don't see that sort of stuff anymore like you used to..."
"You have friends in New York? What's 'Arena Hopscotch?'"
"I have friends in Paris, baby! You don't know about Arena Hopscotch?! So, you're probably not familiar with Scuba Trains, either."
Sigh.
I know. I'm babblying. I'm nervous. I should be packing. Instead, I'm pecking at the keyboard with one hand and gnawing on my fingers...