Bent Words

Bent Words

January 02, 2005

Searching for pictures and I dared to open the "Life On Two Wheels" album that I dedicated to myself and Shane.

I sometimes wish I had the strength to keep this book closed. Other times, I just wonder what happened to all of it. How could it be lost and how can we move on? I wonder why I have to let it go, when, so desperately, I long to keep it. The every word, the every memory, the every picture that is captured on these pages. The essence, the feeling, the stories, the adoration, the miles and the harmony that existed.

All of the tears shed when I fell in love with him from a distance; never really knowing that I would dare catch a glimpse of him as deeply as I did. The 'potential' we had that he was afraid of and the evening that we were each hanging by a moment in the other's eyes. Stealing kisses, fighting for our love and the consuming secrecy. The nights he left and the days he came back. The afternoon that he played 'Painted On My Heart' by the Cult and told me that he could not shake me from his mind. 'Stellar' by Incubus, after we made love and he nervously breathed the words, "I love you..."

Watching him ride. Watching him dyno a bike. Watching him talk to a customer. I stood there, with the utmost passion and pride, with the greatest wonderment I've ever known and never settled for being anything less than his biggest fan. Sometimes I wish I did not still see all of that, sometimes I wish it would fade gently away, but it does not. I see him, out of the corner of my eye, in a restless dream, seated upon my couch or on the country roads we sped down together.

I hate that he's gone. I hate that I'm here and he's not. I hate that I'm mulling over pictures and unable to let him go when I've been let go of. I hate loving him this deeply. I hate this time. All of this damned time. I hate feeling like I'm a silly school girl, still lost in love and wishing I could hold him. I hate how the thoughts of him always stop me, dead in my tracks, no matter where I am or who I'm with. I hate how guilty I feel even now, just to go out, just to think about crossing the line with another man.

He did not just 'steal my heart,' he gripped my soul. His quiet ways led me to a never before realized world of enchantment. I always tried to tell him, but I know I equally failed - I did not stand a chance. By the time I was beyond the works of my imagination with his marriage and ready to simply love, it was too damned late. I already lost him. I fought and fought, but it was too late. It was all my fault - I had betrayed, confused, frustrated and denied him.

I only wish, now, that he could somehow know, that he could somehow see, just how much I truly adored every single last and outstanding part of him. I did everything I could to show him and tell him and make him see, but I do not believe it was ever enough with the shadow of his marriage hanging over my heart. So many stupid and little mistakes I made.

Perhaps it was not meant to be and, perhaps, someday I'll believe that, but for now I get a moment of protest. I get a moment of letting all of this out. I get a moment, that seems like a forever, of absolute release and absolute passion. I've done what I said I would do - I have not tainted his memory and I have not broken his brilliant placement upon my heart. To do anything else would have shamed me and, somehow, it seems as though it would have shamed him, too. So I shall sit here for awhile and listen to all of the songs that portray him as close as he is to my heart.

No one can take him away right now. He's here and he's all of me.

And here we are...

All of those restless summer nights outside the shop - 2001

The beginning of SuperBikers2 Super Motard - 2001

September 11th Benefit Ride - 2001

A kiss - 2001

Flat Track - 2002

Fixing his bike in the men's bathroom - 2003

Playground Reminicing - 2003

Our last track day together and I'm leading - 2003

At the end of my album, I did not carefully script the words, 'The End,' but rather, 'Just The Beginning...'

The best of life and love and happiness to you, my Gorgeous Shane. Please pardon the extravagence, please pardon the undying nature of my ways and please go on brilliantly. You shall always go on in my heart this way. Always.


Written at 8:08 p.m.