Bent Words

Bent Words

October 31, 2004

The game is on. I don't feel like watching it today. I wouldn't have remembered it was on but for my neighbor, Jim. He's usually fairly quiet, but he loves football and I could hear him yell and clap as I put away my laundry. Touchdown Packers.

I hurt Jim once. I know I hurt him. We were such good friends years ago. We went to arena football games, he took me to bars to play darts despite the fact that he no longer drinks and we would talk with his favorite jazz music playing in the background. Sometimes he would come over here and sometimes I would take the ten steps over to his place. Then, something changed and he wanted more. I wanted a friend and he wanted more.

So someone falls and you cannot go back. How can two people be friends when one is in love and the other is not? How can two people be lovers if one is in love and the other is not? Well, if you're afraid to lose someone, you'll do just about anything... That's how. That's how I hurt Jim.

I'm scared again. Scared of hurting, scared of feeling, scared of losing, scared of going over the edge; scared of all of this. Too close, too strong, too much.

But perhaps I've just had my fill of sports today. Perhaps I wanted to watch the game anywhere but in my bedroom on that small, black and white TV. There's no reception in my livingroom. Perhaps I could have gone back out to my parents, but I already had my laundry going. Perhaps it's too much to even watch a Packer game...

It's my own damned fault. This is what I deserve. I must be offsides...


Written at 1:38 p.m.