September 22, 2004
Screaming to be heard...And so I screamed (but with a smile) as he showed his daunting face this eve. I gave to him the truth of me, knowing full well that once I crossed that line he would not want to turn his cheek again if the direction so happened to point toward me (which is good). And it was amazing! All the advice that I suppose I asked for... "Do not care, Laura." "Do not give him a second thought." "Watch him walk out the door and say 'fuck you' as he quits your presence." The very repose we should all give in having nothing better to communicate...
I understand the intention by the voices that rose in response to my obvious distress, but I must ask this burning question, is it not better to feel? Should I rather let the emotion of complacency grip my soul than the tender honesty of good bye? What would I become if only I let each circumstance make me harder? If I only built each wall higher and stronger and less penetrable - would I than be safe from all the pain of death and despair!? As a person who wishes to write! That's what writers are - full of extremities, full of emotion and full of the notions that bring feeling to every word! Besides, who wants to be remembered with such a passive slack. Who wants to be slighted by the very ideal that someone has passed before them? We are so special as to be encountered as the first, the last, the most poignant!
And yet they beg of me resistance. They beg of me not to worry, not to sound off, not to let it fill my heart. They beg the very walls which they desperately attempt to climb at the exact moment that it fills their own needs. And what WAS I doing, my love, out at such late hours on a Monday night... Increase that thought by the thousands and perhaps you'll have reason as to why I acted in such desperation as to infiltrate your privacy. All the questions you could not answer, answered in one single conversation. All the worry of having me knock, in the wee hours of the morning, at your door has been revoked - so REJOICE in its honesty. Do not find anger in exactly what you always asked for, do not reprimand me for being unconditional, and please, just take a walk (A LONG, THOUGHTFUL WALK) in these shoes. I just wanted to love, absolutely.