September 17, 2004
Exhaling, at last, relinquishing each burdened sigh - tonight, I'll let the tears fall, if they must, I'll give recognition to their design. Reason lies within me, but how incourageable is my heart! The silly girl inside of me still says, "What if...," and "Perhaps I could...," yet there is no recourse for the desperate, aching need that I allow to sometimes surface. The silly girl who never gives up, has been given up, and there is nothing to be done in its defense! And so, really, I get just what I deserve (in ways which I will not quite fully see, I'm sure, until the mere passage of time lends a helping hand). With all I've done, I have no right to the tenderness my memory still finds! I mangled the miles of innocense that once defined me so clearly and never gave him a fighting chance (though I gave him a lot of fights =). What an entirely complicated thing we all are! To be able to love so damned deeply and yet destroy that same arduous emotion within a blink of an eye... Second chances turned to the seconds lasted, honesty and truth wavered on the lines of what we could not know and, compromise for each other, grew old with all the compromise we held for simply being together in the first place. The questions I have longed to ask, need not be asked - the answers, though I've been known to deny it fully, are most obvious and to hear them outright would only cause conflict and pain. And why do I write... about all of THIS? I suppose because somewhere in here lies the path, between all these tangled, twisted, torn out routes, lies a path to which I may give notice to the truth. My healing, my improvement, my mistakes, my unrelenting circle of thoughts - all of this can only be found HERE! In my words; bent and broken, mastered and manipulated, focused and fought over. Somewhere in here, I exhale, at last. How many years can one hold their breath, first knowing and then just clinging to the scattered moments of hope? How many years can one be torn apart, over and over again, hearing the same excuses, promises and dismisals? How long can one really incorporate ALL of their faith into ONE thing, one person, one dream, one future before being broken by its inconsistancy? I would not have held on to this one dream if I had not the encouragement that it could BE in the first place. How I could have been told that I did not know what I wanted, when I let go of EVERYTHING else just to hold onto him... For a moment, imagine, your entire world focused on that one thing. He said he could not see my infactuation and so I, with more passion than I've ever known, strove for only that. He said I could not hold out for him and so I only held out for only him. He said I could not handle the circumstances of his world surrounding me and so I handled it with my entire being. He said that I could not do it - what a fool! With such stubborn pride one shall undertake any task with a more fervant heart than you shall ever know. If only you tell me I cannot do it... I solely hurt myself, beyond what I can emcompass, with such focus. The moments never fail to discipline me, the reminders cling with alacrity, the knowledge that I cannot lose this ONE chance that I have fought for so entirely, despite my values, despite how hard I tried to make it not so. From the first, I struggled... The perfect icecube trays, now my obsession - yes, the perfect fucking icecube trays. The toothpaste being squeezed toward the opening, the correct back pocket for your pen or front pocket for your change. The preference of spoons over forks, the second cigarette lit, the inquiry of YOUR day, the folding of the towels and the opposite for t-shirts, 7 scoops of coffee, my dear. The gifts thought out with extreme care, the album, the birthdays, the cards, the poems, the letters, the millions and millions of pictures, the bikes, the races - all of them - the talks, the phrases, the lifetime of love I watched with eager eyes in every single second. The IMBALANCE of it all. It never mattered until the first promise broke (YES IN VEGAS, ALREADY!) after he said he'd never make a promise he couldn't keep. Let me go of it now! I don't need to be that anymore! I don't need to remember all of these things and keep you feeling GORGEOUS. It's not my job anymore! I am not obligated to remember all of these things! "We're on page 204, today" The voice of praise and perfection, the adoration and wonder. The retelling of stories, the recap of YOUR racing weekend! That's all they loved about me - how much I LOVED YOU. How wild with support I never failed to be, how full of pride no what the result, how careful to make sure they knew exactly how you were. Every detail - ask of me. She will know, the silly girl, she will know. How wonderous she must be, to contain all of that in her little heart. Amazing... Simply, I just suck, for I don't know how to live my own life. I don't know what I feel anymore without him telling me exactly how I must truly feel. Without consulting him or having that shoulder which he could not always deny. I don't know how to simply let go. I don't know how to just be me and not have someone else to attend to. I don't know how to make myself real without making someone else feel and taste their little (MAGNIFICANT) part in life so strong. I feel I have failed for that reason and that reason only. I reprimand myself for that continuously. The glory of an unaffected woman has lost all its significance in me - I am deeply affected and only beg to pretend otherwise. But that is what all of the world does - takes when needed and behaves indifferent when not. Never have I been indifferent... So, yes, it is for the better. It is ONLY FOR ME that he let me go as to promote this whole 'life' thing again. For he will, in finality, teach me that all I've done is wrong. For him to never give in, in all that glory, was the right thing. To never walk out on that limb. To trust, only, his thought and never to indulge in the great possiblities that lie tucked away inside another. To never see, never hope, never dream, never carry any strength that made a damned difference. To let it fail time and time again over foolish pride when I became weak. He LIED. He never wanted me. He fucking NEVER wanted me. He never KNEW what he wanted! Or he knew he didn't want me. And now he pursues another, just like that. I have this to say to that - no matter where you are or how far along it might be or if you have no freaking clue and you're just going with the flow... Know that it's what you want. Know it with ALL its truth, circumstance, possibility and fear. Let it all out, give it all a voice. Make sure she KNOWS. Do what you wanted to do and promised so many times - if you have to fix the fence at your wife's house, take HER with you. Make sure it's okay with your wife. Tell her all about it (after all, it's what you want and sometimes you have to fight for it; even if just a little). Make sure she can BE that part of your life. Give her that security and you'll be forever free in your soul from jealousy, regret, wonder and dispair. Give her the truth, the beauty of your children, the grace of your attention and intent. Give into her once in awhile and just be happy over being right. Share your entire life with her, but do it now, if you want it to last. You gave her up once... don't do it again. And, in all my selfishness, I only hope you don't look back poorly on me. I only hope you believe that I do know what I feel (at least a little) and do know that I love you and only want what I've always wanted - just the best of happiness for you. My favorite phrase in the entire world, sparked because of you and how I met you. Take care and take life.