September 05, 2004
I just don't understand...More than once he has had this SUDDEN change of heart, this sudden FORCE with which he pulls away without explaination. If the tables were turned, would not he feel the very frustration of such actions?
I let it go. Last week, I let go the fact that he COULD NOT call me from his mother's phone or a pay phone. I let go the fact that he kept on drinking and kept on letting me worry the tears from my stoic position. Whatever happened that night, I let it go...
I thought all was well after that until he brought the evening up a week later to portray a SUDDEN return of guilt with which used as a reason for having pushed ME away. What a livid mind he would have assumed if I were to have committed such disregard! If I were not to settle the offense as soon as possible and assure him of my adoration! But how could it have been different either way?? If he commits the offense of if I do, I am the one who is forcefully pushed away. I am not sought after with worry and wonder of how I feel - HE IS. I find him to repair what damage I have done or to ease his grief so that we can move on to better days.
What is so horrid of my personality as to not seek the retribution? What is so impossible to understand to not make the wrong right? What is so trecherous about my stopping to SEE HIM for lunch in hopes that I would acquire a moment of his free time?
Most obviously, more is going on than I am privy to. These few events that have taken place do NOT bear such heightened reasoning. I do not owe repentence for such insignificant actions that should not have produced such a drastic change of heart. My folly is merely in the honest feelings that he cannot dare return. For him to grant me equal shares would most certainly cause alarm upon his wife's distress. For him to include me to such a depth would raise more problems for HIS OWN SOUL and that type of nonsense is exactly that to him - nonsense.
He wants to feel more - he wants to be free enough to feel more, but to do so would be so damned strenuous. Ours is a relationship of caution and idle complacency. It is a selfish mask, a forever changing grip upon the changing days - today is held on loosely while last week was clinged to with "I love yous" and melting eyes.
Ride the roller coaster of ever twisting emotion, feel the sinking of your stomach with the sudden drop of impartial thought and, QUICK!, inhale the buzz of the exhilarting acsent as we climb to more uplifting heights, almost touching the perfect sky before the next turn, which will surely claim the right to the next fearful, looming fall. Do not close your eyes, Laura, do not be scared and do not miss the next opportunity to jump this rail upon which you've served for so very long. Do not deny yourself the opportunity to quit this world of turning stomachs and weary climbs, of hurried falls and blind curves. Do not sit there, over and over, praying he'll take your hand to douse the pain of such a forceful plummit. Do not reach out yours so feverishly only to claim the right to do it all over, just one more time. Do not pretend you have not taken your damned turn on this ride again and again - do not waste your ticket so continuously on this one feature when so many amusements lie before you yet to be explored. THIS is not a one-way. This is not an obligation - or, at least, it is not to him...