August 12, 2004
The world stands before me, as though I were watching from the most removed distance that I've ever known. How could I feel so alone right now - outside of everyone and yet revolving around each one?So many give question to what success I can find in seeking out a continued education -- do they all think me so inept? Should I resist speaking of my fears in order to detain THEIR insecurities in me? Shane is right, in that I allow too much thought into THEIR words, that I allow too much of everyone else to determine my emotions or perception. It's all in me - at least it used to be - and I need to regain my ground.
But such pain they cause in accusing my pursuit of college as a mere distraction from my 'real' life. Or chalking it all up to how I will surely fail because of my connection to him. How dare they? This is who I want to be! Perhaps I WILL fail, perhaps I am NOT the writer who will make a career from this path - but at least I will have pursued it. At least I will have attempted to make a better me. At least I'm trying something - DOING something - instead of merely going on about it as I have done.
And what do all these people KNOW about me? I'm the only one here, night after night, with me (hell, I'm the only one who could put up with me). I'm the only one who has to live this life, day after day, accepting the final consequences, whether I should succeed or fail. I'm the only one here wanting to go out to dinner to celebrate my reunion to myself. I'm the only one patting myself on the back for making such a bold and courageous move. JUST ME! Ya'll just come and go as you please and as you have the time and so I shall find that again in me. Instead of making my time around you, I'm going to be here for me. So watch out - here I am again - just needing me.
You say it's what I wanted - you say HE'S what I wanted and, yes, you're damn straight that I want him. I've wanted him for years. I've stood outside of myself and watched him for years. I've watched him and I've watched myself, floating through an entire night with complete affection or stumbling over the morning 'hello.' I know how it all seems - my obsession, my adoration, my fear and my frustration. But for all of that, I feel that I could finally say, "okay." I feel like someday, perhaps soon and perhaps not so, that I COULD look into his eyes and not feel such resonating guilt or see so much of the same in his own eyes. Do you know love like that?? No, you don't - so do not reprimand me for its grip. For I do not know how to let go of all the great compassion that resides so very deep inside my heart.
Did I ever tell you that is exactly what I fell in love with in first place? The words that I saw buried in his soul, the words that he would love to speak if only he knew how, the words that were scrawled out upon his face but kept silenced within his chest? I fell in love with that! I felt as though I could see those words and no one else could! I never predicted that someday I would become frustrated at the words he could not say - it was ALL my fault for what unfortunate tidings we have delved into. He had no hand in our demise other than to act as he knew how and for me to misunderstand the whole of it. I took the grandure and questioned it, instead of listening to my heart, I faltered upon the tremble of his step. I squirmed under the doubt of his soul and flipped my world inside out by never being able to simply let go.
I've tried to deny it a thousand times over, but the very scent of his passing sends me spinning. The mere thought of his touch induces chills. The simple release of his joy over a joke we've held between us for a million days resonates inside my grin, still, a million days later. Getting lost down that road never bores me and finding his heart again never ceases to amaze me. The trouble and confusion that he brings, I thrive upon. The curves and twists and near misses and come backs keep me forever on my toes. The same old, same old keeps me tame. The never ending story...
So do not tell me that I should fail. Do not question my ability. I do not quit. I do not give up. I do not let go. Though I've faltered and though I've suffered for the clearer air, I've never walked all the way away. All I need and all I seek is for a clearer ME, a finer me, a more prepared and confident me. The me that I should have made before I boldly claimed to know everything of him. The me that can admit to my own grace in life, the me that can have something left over if ever he should disregard my very presence. The me that has not shined in years of hefty shadows.
Finally I seek the shadow that I might make, the path that I might struggle through so alone and filled with so much of what I fear - all of me. The potential that I might possess, the light that I might shine, the brilliance that might just come alive before you ever thought I should fail. Somewhere, in there, lies me. Forgive me for my selfish words, allow me this complacent tune, but I have not known it for so long that I must scream it now, lest I find myself swallowed by the fear of failure. Do not beg me to look back. I look forward, now, to better days. To the days I feel swimming inside me, bursting with verve and burning with fire. He says I can do it and so I can. I say I can do it and so I will. He only wants the best for me and so the best I shall find.