August 05, 2004
I made the upward climb along the sidewalk, leaving my car parked on the sloping street. As the clouds grew dark and the air turned cool, I turned the hard corner toward my destination, passed a blue bus stop sign and a man without a face. I looked beyond him with target fixation, as I felt I would otherwise stray with weary limbs and work-filled thoughts. Although I held a smile, his surprising words would cut my expression short."Don't have to be so damn proud, girl," he proclaimed as I followed through and held my straight forward stare.
Three yards from the door and a million thoughts ran through my head - I wondered if I should say hello, protest his remark, flip him off over my shoulder or simply keep walking. I kept on walking. Three or four more strides toward the door and a million miles closer to that familiar, awkward feeling that only the most minor of events can procure.
The bar seemed dark; darker than usual and my body began to feel languid and heavy. John took my usual request as I searched the crowd for his face. There he was - at the other end of the room, seated at a table filled with tired, smiling faces, next to the usual group of companions. He flashed and flickered before me, in and out of view, as another patron's head blocked my direct line of target fixation.
I set down my drink and found him standing before me - playfully poking at my ribs and sides. He appeared happy, though not entirely happy with me, he certainly was making a hell of an effort. If only it were not just realized in hind sight, I could have perhaps given him credit at the appropriate time. My level of concentration was grayed and there seemed to be a hanging lull about the place. Wide mouthed yawns never ceased to provoke my own and yet I kept them swallowed up inside, fearing to pass the infectious reaction to undeserving bystanders.
He would leave to eat amongst his fellow MSF graduates, with whom he attended the bar in the first place, only to return to my side once the task complete. He gave notice to my earlier distraction, when I rudely turned my head in the midst of his relaying the happy news, and I slowly melted into my chair. Although I held a smile, I only felt the more inadequate. Inadequate to the night, incomparable to the company and indolent with my body. What lack of sleep had captivated my entirety!
We chatted and chimed, rose for drinks and their expultion, said good night to weaker wills and watched the crowd slowly disapate into the pouring rain. My mind lapsed in and out of perception, my legs felt heavier with each shift of position and my hand to my face barely prevented the droop of my head. I longed for the sleepy silence of a night inside his arms - with steady drops of rain and cool midnight air swaying outside the windows. I was beyond comprehension that my actions betrayed my thoughts and he only saw what pure frustration must surely be stowed in my heart. We left the bar, upon my request, and with target fixation, I found my car.
The rainy drive stirred my senses and the knowledge that I would be completely alone with him roused what little attention my day had left - I wanted to enjoy one last drink by his side before retiring into the night. There would be no winding down as I watched him move about. He was not happy. His aggitation followed his footsteps and finally found voice upon my inquiries. Between us, on the couch, an empowering wall of weariness, alcohol and pride rose with little delay. I fought back fatigue to make my true desires known and only floundered deeper into misunderstanding.
I recall him quitting the room and I know I broke down. The streets began to dry as my tears compensated for the loss - I watched my face transpose in their presence before me in the mirror. I wanted to stay, regardless, and rest my deprived body. Tomorrow would be a new day, right? I fought, I battled and I could not find the answer which would fit the situation. I searched myself over and over and only became more intense with ignorance. I knew not what to do or where to go or how to feel. I should have simply laid down my head - on the couch, the floor, the bed; wherever! But instead, I drove uselessly and recklessly into the tortured night. I drove and drove and drove until I parked my car and stumbled foolishly into my apartment.
Although my eyes ached through their open slits, despite my desparation for sleep, regardless of the aches I felt everywhere, I found myself huddled on my living room couch until nearly 4:00 a.m.. What punishment can be instilled into a troubled mind... Even now.