Bent Words

Bent Words

July 25, 2004

I've been sitting here, trying to write to Shane. I'm afraid of his return. I fear the stillness of his anger, his quiet avoidance, his chilling demeanor. I'm afraid he will have less than nothing to say to me and so I wish to write to him, hoping he will see, understand and believe. Without pressure, without necessity of a response. But how do I begin? How do I start without taking up too much of his time and without leaving out a single, adoring word? How can I be so clumsy in such pursuit?

He has no one to talk to about us - he has no one to hear his words, see his face, watch his reactions. He has not the comfort of a story related - he bears it alone, stands alone and walks through it all with no one. And I just want for him to know.

I suppose I know that it must end - we cannot hurt each other so very much and I know that neither of us intended to. I want for him to know what all of these pages know. I want for him to know what my heart knows. I want for him to know that I cannot stand that he's RIGHT HERE, all the time, and I only wanted to be in his life where he doesn't have to keep me secret or hidden. Why can he not just see that? Where has my heart been except for right beside his own??

How can he and I stop now without him KNOWING these things? How can he move on with such desbelief and disregard? How can I allow myself to be so misunderstood?? ME!! Who goes over it time and time again, who rolls over the feeling with words and more words. Actions and more actions, moment after languid moment, phrase after dripping phrase, tears after drowning tears... It's all him.

Such a mess and I fear my words to him. I fear these words could only make his life more dingy with misunderstanding. How dare I allow my feelings to get so entangled into his world? Every step that has propelled us backward should have been my clear answer. Stop, Laura, let him be. If only he would have gone back to his life of ten years - I couldn't have hurt him then. I would have understood his return to his family, but I cannot understand his simply letting me go. I want myself a million miles deep into his world - not left out or left behind.

I feel terribly behind these days. The distance increasing, the desertion of my every cry. He used to enjoy being with me at the Lake, going to dinner alone - just us - he and I. Lately he fears what words could be uttered, untrusting of what would erupt. He used to find comfort in my love for him. Do I take it too far? Did I ask for too much? Please, TELL ME. PLEASE, if anyone knows me, with all of my fear of having anyone really know me now, does anyone know? Give me an answer! How can I rest without answers??

Every step, his face is there. Every night, his scent reaches my perception, his body holds mine in perfect comfort as I beg him to discard his shirt. Thoughts of him infiltrate my dreams, his soul accompanies my waking senses and his heart - HIS HEART! I desperately restrain my fingers from reaching out. Already, this weekend, I have failed...

Everything I am is invaded by his everlasting presence.

"Patience and perserverence have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish."

-- John Quincy Adams

Written at 10:50 p.m.