July 18, 2004
Although I had intended to put my heart aside for the day in order to accomplish some necessary cleaning and organization in my apartment, I still found myself spinning, swirling, tumbling and tossing over a million thoughts. Not a moment has passed without the grinding force of unfocused reverie.How can it be that HE is so entirely consuming the depths of my mind? We have not spoken, he has not called - so many bikes to fix and not the 32 hours in a day to fix them. The hour and a half drive back from Blackhawk... and yet the questions rise and I cannot keep them at bay. Did he finish D'Amico's bike and did he race? If he raced, is he okay? Did he do well or did he not? Was it worthwhile regardless of the outcome or does he regret it? Did he have an absolute blast... without me, as he must have wanted it that way. Did his thoughts take a turn in picturing me?
How could it matter? He wouldn't believe me if I told him and he'll hold it against me if I don't. Never does he want to hurt me and yet he does nothing in either direction to rectify the pain of the past and the present. It once was just 'paperwork' and now it's his life - always depending upon what he procures from the situation during his current position in life. SO many things are so very important in his world and despite that realization, he is still so very foremost to me. How unfair the impact he has made...
That I cannot become lost in anothers' arms
That I cannot be complete in anothers' charms
His name's on my breath before I know what I'll say
Too late to take back the price that I pay
That he won't let me up
That I've had enough
His pictures surround me, he walks through my every day
In and out of a year - this is just the game that we play
That I cannot belong in another world, to another place
That I cannot find a single way to win this race
He is the vagary which carried me on yesterday's jaunt
My search for excellence, significance, emotion and want...