July 16, 2004
Despite my exhaustion and regardless of my sleepless nights, I have found a piece of myself. I walked away from his company, removed my attention from his presence and found my place amongst the music. Though I was slow in starting, tough in stretching and imbalanced upon my feet, I regained my position in mind - the physical reprocutions shall follow. Alone, yet centered; weary, yet wanting; imperfect, yet improving. I am no where near my goal for I do not feel at home, I do not feel at ease and I do not feel content. But I know I do not belong with those who are full throttle, half assed or nonchalant.I recall how I despised the consistency of his beer drinking and bitching, while standing in the very spot to which he attributed his remorse. How ironic the picture seemed and how indifferent his actions became - and now I only rise to join him? I have become his attitude, his jealously, his secrecy, his complacency and I have echoed his benignity, sunk into his pessimism and pranced in his underwhelming path. What great time spent in the idea, but always without recourse.
I fear the fall
That has captured them all,
Yet still I breathe in their redolent waste
Now is the time
That I must repine,
And never again impede to make haste
Let them all lie
The questions I cry,
Relinquish my pride not to bend
Give me each day
That I might walk away,
And find pure relief in the end