July 12, 2004
2:03 a.m. found me just before his perfect time. The e mail I sent him found me on my knees. 3:30 a.m. found me staggering to the bathroom and 6:00 a.m. found me groggy and without recourse. I feared the day and forgot the good, cursing and shaking I rose. His only response to my message was to ask me to bring out his vacuum - still I clung tightly.He did not seek me out because he was so damned angry. I called after him, I followed him and pleaded through the hours. I hurried back the tears and swallowed the pain, stood against him and came back again.
The day was terrible, the briefly undisturbed moments afterward were delightful and the FOCR (Friend Of Chuck Russell) who interferred with it all at 8:00 p.m. was dreadful. But of all of it, he told me that he was not in my future - that I had said it. That I had been selfish at that very moment. He says I should be selfish and when I am, well, that's no good either. Where am I? Isn't all of this wallowing rather selfish?
You say you're not the one for me - than prove it. You say you're fucking me up and you don't have time - than give me no more. One or the other, Shane, what do YOU want? I've never asked you that question and heard anything of ME in the reply. I've been too tired to think straight, too ill to find peace and always too consumed to imagine an end between us - but don't give me any pardon, just know what you K N O W and know ME better than I ever could.
Push me away or hold me so tight
Forget them both on another night
Seek out my words or throw them away
You'll hear what you want anyway
Let anger be yours or find yourself infiltrated by joy
Whichever is present, I seek to presently destroy
Am I sorry for the adoration or sorry for the doubt
Either emotion finds your world in a pout
Tell me you want me or tell me to go
But give me ONE damned thing that lets me know
Tell me it's sex or tell me it's not
But respect my little heart for the battle I've fought
Hold me to blame or hold yourself on that right
But do not give me away to just another night
Do not pity this soul, I've found more than I need
All of it lies right here, ever alone, inside of me...
"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." ~~ Henry David Thoreau ~~