March 28, 2023
I wish I could go back to undo the hurt I caused. Even if I was hurt, too, I wish I could still take it back.If I hurt you because I felt pain, if I hurt you to try to somehow scream my own frustration or out of some stupid “eye for an eye” BS, I’m sorry. I wish I could remove it.
Because it doesn’t belong. It is not the history I see when I close my eyes. It’s not the feeling I feel when I directly address my heart and demand the truth.
I just feel how much I loved. How hard I fell.
All that hasn’t disappeared.
And so nothing can mangle that. Nothing can make it go away. So why did I try to break it? For fear of being broken? Fear of being let go?
I should have shown it more, screamed it louder, made it better, worked harder, never given up. Because I knew what I had to lose. I knew what would be missing miles down the road. I knew where my heart would always be.
Maybe it’s only hindsight. But I hate the idea that I messed up something so big. I hate that I didn’t do it right. I hate that it is the way it is when I know how precious it has always been. I hate that I might not have left everything on the table when it was all yours to begin with.
I hate that I have loved SO MUCH and that maybe you don’t know it. Because all I meant to do was show it.
I think of it every day, all the things I didn’t get right and all the things I want to say. All the love…