February 13, 2008
Society should be closed on a day when you walk outside and the cold air invades your chest so harshly that your lungs freeze. We should get the equivalent of a Snow Day on days like this only we’ll call it a Hypothermia Day.During Hypothermia Days, it should be legal to beat up college students who wear flip-flops to class.
I should be able to call into work on days like this – days when my remote start won’t work and I actually have to walk outside, into Arctic Death, and warm up my car. I’d rather call into work, missing a few hours of pay, than risk losing my fingers to frost bite.
If I wasn’t at work, I could come up with better ways to bribe my neighbor’s annoying six-year-old to stick his tongue on the flagpole outside. I could finally enjoy an episode of Lost without having to pause because some screaming little scamp is making Daytona laps outside my door.
It’s not that I don’t like kids – I just don’t like his kid. His kid doesn’t have an ‘inside voice.’ He has but one volume, ‘stadium voice.’ I thought kids were supposed to be addicted to Nintendos and Playstations and something they call Guitar Hero and instead they’re running around outside as though this were the 50s? Come on – go melt your brain in front of the tube, kid, and leave mine alone.
I could complain to the kid’s father but that would be useless because the kid’s father has shown little potential in anything but being useless. He always takes my parking spot and I’ve (slowly) explained to him several times that he can’t park in my spot because if he does, than I’m forced to park in someone else’s spot and thus continues the vicious cycle of Musical Cars. It’s either English or common sense that is not his strong suit. Or both.
I don’t get it. It's not as though I leave my garbage in front of his door at night and then defend myself by stating that “I just didn’t know where else to put it.”
Isn’t that a nifty idea I just stumbled upon?
And why was my school closed on the only day I didn’t have to go to class? What kind of anti-divine intervention was that? Everyone else got a Snow Day except me. But, when it’s seventy below zero and the weatherman urges everyone to “limit their exposure to the elements to five minutes, max,” I had to trudge a half a mile across campus letting the frost mercilessly take over my eyeballs.
I had to allow my face to thaw before I could blink again.
But at least I made it to class on time so I could finally finish my full-page doodle of Gus the Giraffe while the professor spent fifty minutes carefully discerning which website to utilize for current events quizzes.
Not. Joking.
Oh and I just finished my What I Suck At list:
1. I suck at drawing the hooves of giraffes.
2. I suck at making really good excuses for missing 10pm student organization meetings – I need to come up with a better excuse than, “It’s 10pm. I don’t meet with anyone at 10pm unless they have a lot of money or a lot of Captain to offer. Don’t take it personally.”
3. I suck at math and geography (hence the reason God invented the calculator and mapquest).
4. I suck at making plans. I’ll get there before it’s too late and leave before you get sick of me – shouldn’t that be good enough?
5. I suck at focus. I rarely ever do just one thing and finish it. It’s more interesting to randomly juggle four things at the same time and never quite fully tackle them all.
6. It’s probably just because I wasn’t born with fur but I really suck at being cold.
7. I suck at speaking (ties into that whole focus thing).
8. I suck at listening, too, which is rather unfortunate but, I must admit, that it’s really not my fault because I find myself having to listen to a great majority of people that I really don’t like.
9. I suck at finding people I like who actually like me, despite my suckiness, back.
10. I suck at drawing the expression of extreme boredom on giraffes.